All About Anxiety

All About Anxiety

What anxiety is

Anxiety is the body-mind’s amazing response to perceived threat. Let’s break that down a bit:

Body-Mind: the body and mind are not separated and cannot be separated. The connection between the body and mind is the NERVOUS SYTEM: a communication network from brain & Spinal cord to the rest of the body.

Response: our senses pick up signs of danger (smoke, police siren, flashing lights, a child’s scream, the sound of dog growling, or our mother’s aggressive tone of voice). Our nervous system then immediately activates a response, which prepares the body to survive. The response is typically either fight, flight, fawn, or freeze.

What happens in the body is:

Fight/Flight: heart rate increases. Blood pressure increases. Breathing becomes more rapid. blood rushes to muscles. Pupils dilate. The person experiences all sorts of immediate changes in the body, without being able to think about it or control it.

Fawn/Freeze:

Fawn is the immediate response of negotiating with or submitting to the threat (Fun Fact this can look like “People Pleasing”),

Freeze on the other hand shuts the body down to preserve it. You become immobile, can’t move, or don’t move.

Heart rate slows, the body can become stiff or tense, your senses shut down, and sometimes you can’t feel anything. Dissociation is common (feeling like you aren’t really there).

During these responses, your body releases higher levels of stress hormones called cortisol and adrenaline. The mid-prefrontal cortex (rational part of the brain) is less activated, and the amygdala (more primitive part of the brain) takes over. Anxiety is experienced on a spectrum. The intensity of the anxiety depends on how “big” the perceived threat is.

As you can imagine, people who experience anxiety regularly, are extremely uncomfortable much of the time. Anxiety is a survival response and isn’t meant to be experienced over long periods of time, or very often.

Anxiety is not the problem, society is

So, if anxiety, as a natural defensive response is so amazing, then why has it become such a huge problem today? Why are so many people literally SUFFERING from unhealthy levels of anxiety?

We are about 4 generations into a rapid serge of industrialization and technological advance. Society has changed a great deal, in a short space of time. We humans, however, are pretty much the same humans that we have always been. Our physiological, emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs are the same as when Nabi Adam (AS) and his family lived here on earth. Society today doesn’t cater to our basic needs to calm, safety, health and connection. One of the results are that our anxiety responses are now faulty. Let’s have a look at a typical modern life:

We are in a HURRY all the time. We are born in a hurry, with parents calculating due dates, maternity leave and nursery school fees. We wake up in a hurry every day rushing into traffic to get to work or play dates or brunches. Our bodies perceive this constant hurry as threat.

Each family member, especially mothers are under immense pressure so they are mostly tense, critical, controlling, and speak with harsh tone. Our bodies perceive this as threat.

In school, teachers are overwhelmed and put pressure on children from day one, having to stick to strict schedules and achieve government established goals in every classroom. Six-year-olds write exams four times a year. Constant shouting, constant comparison and constant competition is the daily norm. Our bodies perceive this as threat.

Employers are keeping workers on contracts that may or may not be renewed. Performance is constantly measured to make sure worker outputs are profitable. Our bodies perceive this as threat.

In our relationships there is lack of commitment. Our loved ones can leave us any moment for a ‘better’ spouse found on Facebook. Our bodies perceive this as threat.

We are scared all the time. We are scared that we are not measuring up to our sister or neighbour. We are scared that our children will be kidnapped. We are scared that one day we won’t have money to pay our rent. We are scared for many reasons. The constant FEAR that comes with growing up and living in our society is the general reason we have such high, UNHEALTHY levels of anxiety. (Of course there are specific reasons too, such as trauma). 

Anxiety has never been a problem; it is an amazing defence mechanism that has helped our species thrive for thousands of years. Today, our task is to actually listen to what our anxiety is telling us: “You are not safe, so get into a safe space!”

Recognizing anxiety in ourselves and in others

Now that we understand what anxiety is, lets look at how it shows up in our daily lives, and what it can look like:

Excessive worry

Need to control things

Feeling restless

Irritability

Inability to focus or concentrate

Difficulty sleeping

Feeling edgy or jumpy

Avoiding people or things

Procrastinating

Dissociating (feeling like you aren’t there)

Tummy aches or headaches

Digestive issues

Tense, sore muscles

These are some of the ways that anxiety is felt in our daily lives. When we take the time to notice this about ourselves and others, we can then pause and listen. Our task is then to make ourselves feel calm and safe.

Unhealthy coping

When someone feels anxious often, they begin living in survival mode. Their body assumes that there is always a threat that they fight off, run from or submit to. Living like this is extremely uncomfortable and overwhelming. People then try to cope with this by engaging is some unhealthy behaviours. A few examples of such behaviours are:

Becoming controlling of others

Alcohol or substance abuse

Self harm

Perfectionism

Obsessing over work, or a relationship

Avoidance

Distraction using technology

Overeating

Aggressive Outbursts

These are just some of the unhealthy coping mechanisms that people use to try to manage their discomfort, caused by their high levels of anxiety. The body is really smart. Without us even choosing to engage in the above activities, the body knows it needs to find a way to cope, so it does. Before we know it, we are knee deep in fighting off the negative consequences of our behaviour, which in turn, just adds to our anxiety. It becomes a vicious cycle that can cause us to feel trapped. This feeling of being trapped then signals the freeze response in our bodies, which leads to us essentially ‘shutting down’, merely existing day to day.

How to help ourselves and others

We are here now. Living this life, suffering with the discomfort of high levels of anxiety, and with the unhealthy ways in which we began coping. How do we make a change? How do we move from surviving, towards thriving? ? If anxiety is our mind-bodies response to perceived threat, then the obvious solution would be to remove the perceived threat, so that we can feel safe again. Our task is to access the nervous system and to allow our minds and bodies to feel safe. Once we feel safe inside and out, anxiety levels will drop, and we will feel safe and comfortable in our bodies once more. There are many ways in which to do this. I have listed a few below:

Practice mindfulness (being present in the moment)

Practice grounding (connecting to the earth)

Mediation and Prayer (spiritual safety)

Spending time in nature (calming the nervous system)

Deep breathing (calming the nervous system)

Somatic work (yoga, dance, massage therapy, kickboxing)

Counselling

Connecting to others (support groups, friendships)

Exercise (regularly moving the body to release tension and stress hormones)

Structured routines (safety through predictability)

These are just a few examples of ways that we can allow our mind-bodies to feel safe. Keep in mind the bigger picture however: Purposefully and intentionally remove the perceived threat. This might take some time to identify, and counselling is good way to uncover this. Also, do things that will make you feel comfortable and safe. Explore different options. Journal as you explore and move through this process. Speak openly about your experience so that you may gain support from others, and even be a source of support for others. Remember, we are all still human beings. We are in this together.

Aneeqah Arend

Addiction & the Family

What addiction is and the different types

Addiction can be defined as a compulsive, persistent behaviour, that produces some type of internal reward or relief. This behaviour persists even though the consequences of that behaviour prove to be negative. Addictions span substance use such as alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription medication (benzodiazepines, tranquilizers etc.) as well as behaviours such as gambling, shopping, lying, gaming, pornography, self-harm, and more.

Addiction itself, is a coping mechanism that is used to deal with or escape something else. It is essentially person’s attempt to cope with underlying trauma or distress. Engaging in any addictive behaviour gives some form of relief. Unfortunately, the person’s addiction causes more stress, chaos, and other negative consequences in the persons life. Despite this, the behaviour continues, and even escalates, because the more stress is created, the more the addict relies on the relief that comes from indulging the addiction. It is obviously a vicious, suffocating cycle that the addict becomes trapped in.

Addiction is a family disease, not an individual one

Our understanding of addiction has evolved over the years, similar to how our understanding of ourselves has evolved. We are looking at ourselves from a more holistic perspective and seeing things in relation to each other. Addiction used to be seen as an individual problem, that needed to be solved at an individual level: The addict has the problem, the addict needs to be contained, or controlled, or medicated, or managed, or helped, or saved, or some combination of the above.

We have however realized that this is a very limiting view and fails to provide a comprehensive understanding of the complexities of addiction. Now, like in most other areas of mental health, we look at this problem from a more holistic point of view.

 Addiction exists within a system, a family system. It’s a family disease because the family system is the means through which most of our basic needs as human beings, are met. Therefore, if family dysfunction results in a person’s needs going largely unmet, then the person will be vulnerable to addiction. Dysfunction gets passed down from generation to generation, almost automatically. It’s in our nature to repeat behaviour that we are familiar with. A study called ACE’s (adverse childhood experiences), indicated that children who experience 2 or more of the following during their childhood, are way more susceptible to addiction later in life:

-       Exposure to parental conflict or divorce

-       Domestic violence (involving anyone in the home)

-       Mental illnesses, such as depression (of anyone in the home)

-       If someone in the household has been in prison

-       Addiction / substance abuse of anyone in the home

-       If the child has experienced some form of abuse or neglect (physical, sexual, emotional)

Research indicates that “adults who had experienced 4 or more ACEs showed a 12 times higher prevalence of health risks such as alcoholism, drug use, depression, and suicide attempts. These findings raised awareness about the connection between childhood experiences and outcomes as an adult.” (Erica M. Webster, 2022)

Sitting with and accepting the truth of the above information can be very difficult for family members, especially for parents of addicted loved ones. It’s easy to then fall into an unhealthy “blame game” situation. Self-blame, and blaming others is unhelpful. Acknowledging the truth about the family dynamics and how it contributes to addiction is helpful, but resorting to blame, is not. Instead, we use this information to gain a better understanding of addiction, and to grow in compassion for each other. Move away from “you are the problem” or “I am the problem” towards a place of “we, are together is facing this problem

It is also of utmost importance to acknowledge, and make space for each family members unique experience in dealing with the addiction. Family members experience anger, resentment and self-blame. Some siblings take on added pressure, while some feel completely ignored. When we have a loved one suffering with addiction, the family suffers too. The family not only suffers, but each member ends up playing a particular ROLE in the DANCE of addiction.

We end up playing roles like the Victim (plays powerless), the Persecutor (blame & control) and the Rescuer (helping & saving the victim), from the drama triangle. This is just one example of the roles that family members can fall into.

The truth is: If you are in a family in which addiction is present, you also need help and support. ALL the focus shouldn’t be on the addict. You might be trapped in this cycle of addiction, and confused as to why month after month, year after year, you stay sucked in. You might leave one addict (maybe an ex-spouse), only to become involved in another addict’s drama (a friend, parent or sister).

In order to stop these cycles, each person in the family needs to learn more about how addiction works, and learn more about themselves and their own unhealthy patterns.

Compassion & Connection

Human Beings need compassion and connection. ALL of us.  Allah (swt) in His infinite wisdom created us with this need. In fact, the word INSAAN, comes from the root word UNS which is a term that conveys connection, affection, or friendly, loving attachment. Allah (swt) put this message inside the very word INSAAN. This clearly shows how important it is in our development.

Gabor Mate is one of leading authors / speakers on addiction currently. He says that addiction comes from DISCONNECTION. The addict feels isolated, alone, lost and disconnected from him(her)self, and from others. According to Mate, finding recovery from addiction necessarily entails a spiritual healing journey for re-connecting to oneself, to others, and above all to the Divine.

Of course the greatest connection we can gain, is connection to our Creator. All good addiction recovery programs (like AA and NA) incorporate moving towards connection to “a Higher Power”.

Some of the ways that we go about working towards reconnection, is through simple acts of kindness, spending time as a family, meditating or praying, taking part in sports or group activities. When doing all of this, it is important to be fully present, in the moment. For this, techniques such as mindfulness is helpful.

Boundaries VS Enabling

Many people confuse compassion and connection, with enabling. Enabling is giving in to someone’s demands or requests out of guilt & fear. It usually prevents the person of experiencing the full consequences of their actions. Enabling tries desperately to KEEP THE PEACE, or just keep everyone happy. In the long run however, it damaging to everyone involved. It allows the problematic behaviour to continue and continue.

Let’s look at a few examples of enabling:

-       Calling the work, or a client and lying on behalf of someone to hopefully get them out of trouble.

-       Bailing someone out of jail, repeatedly, even though they actually are guilty of the crime.

-       Letting someone drive your car often, even though they are untrustworthy with your car.

-       Paying for things that the person is capable of paying.

-       Doing chores for someone repeatedly because they ‘forget’.

Enabling behaviours aren’t 1 – time acts of kindnesses. They are patterns of behaviour that happen again and again. Usually, the addict starts to depend on the enabler to keep on ‘helping’ them with no end in sight.

To stop ourselves from enabling, we need boundaries. Boundaries are limits that we have in relationships. An Islamic example of a boundary is: “I only eat Halaal food.” It’s a limit that you set for your own health and wellbeing. Or for the health and wellbeing of someone else. We need to learn what healthy limits are in our relationships. Usually if we have addiction in our families, we struggle with knowing what’s a healthy boundary. It is important to see a counsellor, or join support groups to discuss things like boundaries.

Reach out for help

All of this information can feel overwhelming and uncomfortable. Many people are still unable to say to themselves “my daughter uses drugs. She is suffering with addiction.” Instead, they will say “Oh my daughter is catching on nonsense again, she better come right soon otherwise I’m gonna lose my mind.” It is very difficult to step into the space of acceptance when it comes to addiction. We feel embarrassment and shame. Remember, you are not in this alone. So many families are suffering with the same issue.

We must reach out for help. Not only do we need the help for ourselves, but many of us have little ones in the home who are affected. Remember, addiction is a family issue that reaches back into childhood. We must make sue we protect the children who are growing up now, from suffering in the future.

The aim is not to become a perfect family. There is no such thing. The aim is to acknowledge the truth, and to make progress. We need to do better for ourselves and for our children. Every little bit of effort we put in, we make Dua that Allah (swt) accepts those efforts, and grants us a reward for our struggles. Let’s not struggle while doing the wrong things. Let’s rather endeavour to educate ourselves, to get help and guidance, and to move in a better direction. Ameen!

Aneeqah Arend

Therapy, therapy, therapy…

What exactly is therapy? Who can be called a therapist? Why do people speak of different types of therapy that they receive? If I am interested in receiving therapy, where do I start?

Broadly speaking, therapy is a process of healing and growth that happens in a therapeutic space. The therapeutic space is safe, confidential and non-judgmental. A therapist is a professional that facilitates a client’s healing and growth process. Therapy can take many forms and happen in a variety of ways, but the element of moving through healing is the common factor. The most widely recognized form of therapy, talk therapy, can be categorised as follows:

Psychiatry: Psychiatry is the branch of medicine focused on the diagnosis of disorders, as well as the treatment and prevention of mental, emotional and behavioural disorders. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who specializes in mental health. Psychiatrists are qualified to assess both the mental and physical aspects of psychological problems and prescribe pharmaceutical medication.

Clinical Psychology: Clinical Psychology is similar to psychiatry in terms of focus on clinical diagnosis of disorders. Clinical psychology emphasizes psychotherapy, assessment, and non-pharmacological treatments for mental health issues. Professionals in this field are not medical doctors. There are other forms of psychology such as Educational, Counselling, and Organisational Psychology, that are differently specialized according to each unique industry.

Counselling: Counselling is also a form of talk therapy. It is a process during which an individual, couple, or family meet with a trained counsellor to talk about other forms of psychology, such as Educational, Counselling and Organisational Psychology, through issues and problems that they are facing in their lives. Diagnosis does NOT form part of the counselling process. It is instead a space for support, guidance and lifestyle management.

Coaching: Coaching is a goal orientated type of talk therapy. It helps keep clients look to the future and achieve their goals by holding them accountable for carrying out their action plans.

All of the above are forms of talk therapy. Often an individual attends therapy sessions with more than one professional, depending on their needs, and how their needs change over time. It is important to gain clarity on the scope of the therapist whom you are seeing, especially whether or not they can legally diagnose or treat disorders. If not, they must refer you to a different professional for that to be done. Similarly, if you see a physiotherapist for an injury, you might need a referral to a neurosurgeon for further diagnosis.

This brings us to other common forms of therapy outside of talk therapy, such as beauty therapy, physiotherapy and massage therapy. These also promote healing and growth, but with less talk and more physical manipulation. Either way, these and every other form of therapy will aim to facilitate some type of healing and positive growth in individuals, couples, or groups. It is important for us to do some research and find the type, or types of therapy that will serve us best. We should also be open to exploring, as there are so many different avenues to choose from. I engage in many forms of therapy as part of my self-care. A lovely hike, a breathwork session, periodic lyno - therapy (alignment of the body) and regular counselling form part of my therapeutic practices. Oh, and how can I forget my beauty therapy appointments! Some time ago, yoga formed part of my routine too. I like to change it up from time to time just because there is so much to explore, and to benefit from.

Therapy is both an objective activity, as well as a subjective experience. For example, a couple can go for marriage counselling, which is an objective form of therapy, but in fact, not receive any therapy, subjectively. This means that no healing or growth is taking place. On the other hand, a teenager may be skipping school and catching some waves on an isolated part of the beach, which objectively doesn’t seem like therapy. Subjectively however this experience can be immensely healing for this teen, hence it qualifies as therapy.

Ultimately, we are holistic beings, so our self-care should feed each facet of our lives. The therapy we engage in should serve us physically, emotionally, behaviourally, spiritually, and relationally. Explore, experience, and enjoy!

Aneeqah Arend

ASCHP SWC24 / 6053

Specialist Wellness Counsellor