What addiction is and the different types
Addiction can be defined as a compulsive, persistent behaviour, that produces some type of internal reward or relief. This behaviour persists even though the consequences of that behaviour prove to be negative. Addictions span substance use such as alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription medication (benzodiazepines, tranquilizers etc.) as well as behaviours such as gambling, shopping, lying, gaming, pornography, self-harm, and more.
Addiction itself, is a coping mechanism that is used to deal with or escape something else. It is essentially person’s attempt to cope with underlying trauma or distress. Engaging in any addictive behaviour gives some form of relief. Unfortunately, the person’s addiction causes more stress, chaos, and other negative consequences in the persons life. Despite this, the behaviour continues, and even escalates, because the more stress is created, the more the addict relies on the relief that comes from indulging the addiction. It is obviously a vicious, suffocating cycle that the addict becomes trapped in.
Addiction is a family disease, not an individual one
Our understanding of addiction has evolved over the years, similar to how our understanding of ourselves has evolved. We are looking at ourselves from a more holistic perspective and seeing things in relation to each other. Addiction used to be seen as an individual problem, that needed to be solved at an individual level: The addict has the problem, the addict needs to be contained, or controlled, or medicated, or managed, or helped, or saved, or some combination of the above.
We have however realized that this is a very limiting view and fails to provide a comprehensive understanding of the complexities of addiction. Now, like in most other areas of mental health, we look at this problem from a more holistic point of view.
Addiction exists within a system, a family system. It’s a family disease because the family system is the means through which most of our basic needs as human beings, are met. Therefore, if family dysfunction results in a person’s needs going largely unmet, then the person will be vulnerable to addiction. Dysfunction gets passed down from generation to generation, almost automatically. It’s in our nature to repeat behaviour that we are familiar with. A study called ACE’s (adverse childhood experiences), indicated that children who experience 2 or more of the following during their childhood, are way more susceptible to addiction later in life:
- Exposure to parental conflict or divorce
- Domestic violence (involving anyone in the home)
- Mental illnesses, such as depression (of anyone in the home)
- If someone in the household has been in prison
- Addiction / substance abuse of anyone in the home
- If the child has experienced some form of abuse or neglect (physical, sexual, emotional)
Research indicates that “adults who had experienced 4 or more ACEs showed a 12 times higher prevalence of health risks such as alcoholism, drug use, depression, and suicide attempts. These findings raised awareness about the connection between childhood experiences and outcomes as an adult.” (Erica M. Webster, 2022)
Sitting with and accepting the truth of the above information can be very difficult for family members, especially for parents of addicted loved ones. It’s easy to then fall into an unhealthy “blame game” situation. Self-blame, and blaming others is unhelpful. Acknowledging the truth about the family dynamics and how it contributes to addiction is helpful, but resorting to blame, is not. Instead, we use this information to gain a better understanding of addiction, and to grow in compassion for each other. Move away from “you are the problem” or “I am the problem” towards a place of “we, are together is facing this problem
It is also of utmost importance to acknowledge, and make space for each family members unique experience in dealing with the addiction. Family members experience anger, resentment and self-blame. Some siblings take on added pressure, while some feel completely ignored. When we have a loved one suffering with addiction, the family suffers too. The family not only suffers, but each member ends up playing a particular ROLE in the DANCE of addiction.
We end up playing roles like the Victim (plays powerless), the Persecutor (blame & control) and the Rescuer (helping & saving the victim), from the drama triangle. This is just one example of the roles that family members can fall into.
The truth is: If you are in a family in which addiction is present, you also need help and support. ALL the focus shouldn’t be on the addict. You might be trapped in this cycle of addiction, and confused as to why month after month, year after year, you stay sucked in. You might leave one addict (maybe an ex-spouse), only to become involved in another addict’s drama (a friend, parent or sister).
In order to stop these cycles, each person in the family needs to learn more about how addiction works, and learn more about themselves and their own unhealthy patterns.
Compassion & Connection
Human Beings need compassion and connection. ALL of us. Allah (swt) in His infinite wisdom created us with this need. In fact, the word INSAAN, comes from the root word UNS which is a term that conveys connection, affection, or friendly, loving attachment. Allah (swt) put this message inside the very word INSAAN. This clearly shows how important it is in our development.
Gabor Mate is one of leading authors / speakers on addiction currently. He says that addiction comes from DISCONNECTION. The addict feels isolated, alone, lost and disconnected from him(her)self, and from others. According to Mate, finding recovery from addiction necessarily entails a spiritual healing journey for re-connecting to oneself, to others, and above all to the Divine.
Of course the greatest connection we can gain, is connection to our Creator. All good addiction recovery programs (like AA and NA) incorporate moving towards connection to “a Higher Power”.
Some of the ways that we go about working towards reconnection, is through simple acts of kindness, spending time as a family, meditating or praying, taking part in sports or group activities. When doing all of this, it is important to be fully present, in the moment. For this, techniques such as mindfulness is helpful.
Boundaries VS Enabling
Many people confuse compassion and connection, with enabling. Enabling is giving in to someone’s demands or requests out of guilt & fear. It usually prevents the person of experiencing the full consequences of their actions. Enabling tries desperately to KEEP THE PEACE, or just keep everyone happy. In the long run however, it damaging to everyone involved. It allows the problematic behaviour to continue and continue.
Let’s look at a few examples of enabling:
- Calling the work, or a client and lying on behalf of someone to hopefully get them out of trouble.
- Bailing someone out of jail, repeatedly, even though they actually are guilty of the crime.
- Letting someone drive your car often, even though they are untrustworthy with your car.
- Paying for things that the person is capable of paying.
- Doing chores for someone repeatedly because they ‘forget’.
Enabling behaviours aren’t 1 – time acts of kindnesses. They are patterns of behaviour that happen again and again. Usually, the addict starts to depend on the enabler to keep on ‘helping’ them with no end in sight.
To stop ourselves from enabling, we need boundaries. Boundaries are limits that we have in relationships. An Islamic example of a boundary is: “I only eat Halaal food.” It’s a limit that you set for your own health and wellbeing. Or for the health and wellbeing of someone else. We need to learn what healthy limits are in our relationships. Usually if we have addiction in our families, we struggle with knowing what’s a healthy boundary. It is important to see a counsellor, or join support groups to discuss things like boundaries.
Reach out for help
All of this information can feel overwhelming and uncomfortable. Many people are still unable to say to themselves “my daughter uses drugs. She is suffering with addiction.” Instead, they will say “Oh my daughter is catching on nonsense again, she better come right soon otherwise I’m gonna lose my mind.” It is very difficult to step into the space of acceptance when it comes to addiction. We feel embarrassment and shame. Remember, you are not in this alone. So many families are suffering with the same issue.
We must reach out for help. Not only do we need the help for ourselves, but many of us have little ones in the home who are affected. Remember, addiction is a family issue that reaches back into childhood. We must make sue we protect the children who are growing up now, from suffering in the future.
The aim is not to become a perfect family. There is no such thing. The aim is to acknowledge the truth, and to make progress. We need to do better for ourselves and for our children. Every little bit of effort we put in, we make Dua that Allah (swt) accepts those efforts, and grants us a reward for our struggles. Let’s not struggle while doing the wrong things. Let’s rather endeavour to educate ourselves, to get help and guidance, and to move in a better direction. Ameen!
Aneeqah Arend
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